Bermuda Triangle

March 17, 2010
I want to live…happy, joyous and free
But I don’t
I want it more than I can articulate
But there’s a block…a disconnect
My family seems to do it
They seem relatively content…at least
Waking to beautiful sun….warm temps…flowers beginning to bloom
These things are not lost on me
I see them…with my eyes
I don’t feel them with my heart
I’m missing something beautiful
Something that God intended for me
I am caught up in gracelessness
Everyday a struggle
Everyday a battle between good and evil
It binds me…not just my hands…my entire being
And I…as a result…am not the beauty that God intended
It saddens me…there is no relief
I am caught in a triangle…..the Bermuda triangle
Of love gone wrong…or maybe just lost relationship
Not of my doing….but someone else’s
I had a choice once…I chose what I thought God wanted
In reflection, I still believe it is God ordered
Wilderness is dark…and cold and uncomfortable
Yet, here I stay….lessons to be learned and relearned
Until I get it….into my heart…the lessons of God for me
“The brokenness of the fall, lived out in Technicolor” –deb turnow!
Not just my brokenness…but the triangle participants as well
I “hurt…over the things that break Gods heart”-deb again!
The grasp that the evil one has on our lives
Some greater than others…and I, can do nothing
Do I forget that God can do all things……no
Or maybe I do…for a moment
That’s all it takes…just one moment…to live as if there is no God
And that’s what Im doing….right?
“God…I believe….please help my unbelief”

Do They Know

Do they know
The ones that cry out in the night
In the darkness
In the torment of their soul
Do they know
That they are loved
That they are cared for
Can’t see a way out of their anguish
And then, it comes
a decision
not based in logic
but in relief
a deadly decision
and then
those who are left
write words
of caring, of love, of admiration
its too late
they can’t hear it anymore
broken pieces, at a souls expense
left behind for Him to use
to create a masterpiece
is it necessary…any of it
would it have made a difference
if they knew
would He have changed the mosaic

Winter

She is in a season of winter..not just because the season on the calendar is winter, but because SHE IS...all of her, shrouded in ice where the warmth of the sun does not reach her...her soul...she is far away from the giver of life..light...warmth. Jesus is missing from her conscience, or so it seems. While she knows that He is embedded in her..in her very soul...she has pushed Him into a box..one of the boxes that she stores there, in her somewhat, sometimes twisted soul. He can reach her, if she allows it...why is she not allowing it? She feels lost...smothered, encased in ice. One night there was freezing rain on earth. When she awoke in the morning she looked outside at the trees...each and every branch and twig was covered with ice...she thought.."thats me...I am the branch" While the tree and branches are still alive, they look dead...dead and freezing cold..no warmth..there is pain there. Only dim light, all around. She is not numb...she feels the frosty bite of winter...she feels it not only physically, but in her soul. What happens to trees when they are encased in ice...she wonders. Does the life giving sap that courses throught the branches...get hard?...almost like her life blood?

"Surely the Lord is in this place, and I was not aware of it" Genesis 28:16

Surely He is...and she is not aware. She has read and believes that He is in the midst of EVERYTHING...not just this thing or that thing...or maybe just a little...NO...HE IS...fully in everything. Why can't she feel it? Perhaps she is not looking. Why does she take her eyes off of Him?...especially when she knos He is the giver of light and life and love. She needs Him to carry her...Now..she needs to feel His loving arms wrapped tightly around her. She needs to feel His warmth and love. She tries to get this from the humans He has put in her life..and they can't do the job. Some of them are very close...they are the ones that He has equipped for this. Others have no idea how to give her what she so desparately needs..and how could they? He is the one and only who can give her everything that she needs... He does...she just doesn't know how to tap into it. Please Lord...help her to look only to you for these things that she desparately needs.

Blind Faith

"MY LORD GOD, I have no idea where I am going.
I do not see the road ahead of me.
I cannot know for certain where it will end.
Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so.
But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you.
And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing.
I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.
And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it.
Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death.
I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone."
Thomas Merton


The "right road" and "though I may know nothing about it". WOW, does this speak to me. It has come to my attention recently how ignorant I can be of Gods plans. How I have come to understand that His timing in not my timing. I started on a journey 16 yrs ago. Although I didn't know Jesus as my Savior, I did not have an understanding of a loving God, I basically had no thought of anything or anyone who could be higher than myself...I felt a prompting to change my life forever. This "prompting" started as a direct threat, from a person, to life as I knew it....that moved into, in hind site, a very real direction from God. What started as obedience to a person, transformed into obedience to God. I have found out recently that had I chosen to continue along my own path, I would have ceased to exist. To write the "real words" I would have died. I have often wondered why I chose the "right road". It was not an easy road, truth be told it was at times an almost unbearable road. Should further truth be told, at times....like this particular season in my life...it still is. Today, there is a difference. Today I do know Jesus as my Savior and I do have an understanding of a loving God. It makes all the difference. I know that I have been saved by grace...I know that if I continue on the "right road" by my blind faith, my reward will come.
Heavenly Father, help me to continue on the road that you have carved out for me. Help me to be grateful for salvation. Help me to remember that your plan is not my plan and that your timing is perfect. Amen

Journal entry 12/2/08

This morning I am filled with anxiety. This is a foreign feeling for me...to feel anxiety, instead of how feelings usually manifest themselves...ANGER...not that I didn't go through the angry stage, but I have grown to a point of recognizing that anger is my "fall back position". Now I have to see the "real" feeling, and to be honest, anxiety is just a manifestation too of the "real" issue..which I'll call FEAR. 9 times out of 10 this is my core issue. Last tuesday 11/25 I had a bone marrow biopsy. Well, let me state that correctly..I had the procedure, but they couldn't get any marrow, not that they didn't try 2 times! It was possibly the most painful thing I have ever had to endure in my whole life...physically anyway. The object is to drill a "tiny" hole in the hip bone, from the back, and extract the marrow....2 holes...NO MARROW. My doctor was called in, they wanted to give me morphine for the pain and continue..,"No Way" says the good doc...stop. She told me that they would reschedule in 3 weeks and they would do the procedure again under "conscience sedation"...meaning I would pretty much be out of it. I received the call yesterday that it is rescheduled for 12/8 and I was told that conscience sedation is not possible. They will give me percocet and adivan to take prior to the procedure. OK...2 things I was told are not happening...the sedation thing and 3 weeks. I am still having pain that shoots down my leg from the lst time and I functioned quite well as an addict to pain killers in my past....thank you very much. WHATS THE DEAL? I was assured that this time with the sedation prescribed, I won't be in any discomfort..." YEAH SURE..that's what they said the first time". Yesterday I was tempted to tell them to forget it..How important is this test? Ruling out Leukemia? I'm almost sure that if I had that...I'd be presenting with more than "big red blood cells"....but then again...Am I a doctor? Answer: NO and the big L is not the only thing they are looking for. There needs to be a reason for my cells to look that way...AAAAGGGGGHHHHH. I have to trust that there is a reason for all things...my trust needs to be with God...in this and all things. I know without question that thru adversity...I Grow. It seems that this is the way God gets my attention...and the lesson once learned is ingrained in me...not that I never have to relearn the lesson, but it's not as painful the next time because of the experience of trust. I need to remember that through this experience some change/transformation will happen with me or with someone else because of me. I need to trust the process. The "because of me" piece is extremely important for me to recognize, It could be that God is working out his will with someone totally not known to me...a doctor...a nurse...a tech...someone in the future who will benefit from this ordeal of mine. Could be something tiny...or it could be huge...some medical breakthrough of this procedure or the marrow itself that can help a dying child...who in this world knows..I will trust God and His process.

YOU RUINED MY LIFE

There I was, happy, content, carefree

I learned how to cope with things that bothered me

I found people, places and things that I truly liked

I had a good job, that paid the bills

I had fun, every night…and weekend

I danced and danced, until I could dance no more

I went to parties every weekend

I was out til all hours of the night (and morning)

I took care of me and my child

I had the best of both worlds

I had any boyfriend I wanted

Life was good

Then, You ruined it

Thank you Jesus!

“Turning Point”

Below is a writing that was inspired by the above titled photo taken by Keith Trepanier that hangs in our coffee bar at church, and also in my livingroom.




he comes
Maybe to confess, maybe to grieve, maybe because he is so broken and hurt....in the middle of shopping, to provide for his family
he comes
To the place that he's only heard about through what seemed, far fetched tales...of a Man...who can heal him, a Man he can trust, a Man that loves him...if he would only
come.
He lives here, it is said...inside..."open the door....I love you...I promise" says the still small voice from nowhere it seems. "Just try...you are welcome here"
he tries the door...it is locked, he cannot pass through. "Just as I thought" he says "this Jesus can't be all they say he is...if so..why would they keep him hidden away behind massive wooden doors...which are locked" A sign of the times perhaps. "Is everyone broken like me"? he asks. the man speaks as if noone can hear him...as he falls to his knees before the doors "Jesus, if you are in there..please let me in" The still small voice says "I am in your heart..you don't have to come into this place to feel me with you...I Love you...Always have...No doors can ever block me from you"