Darkness

I have a problem with darkness. It scares me because I cant see, with my eyes, what is within it. It is the unknown that I fear. I encounter this physically and spiritually. Physically I experience it in the usual places, no lights on in a room or empty house, walking to and getting into my car after the sun goes down. This last one, getting into my car, is the worst. After opening my car door, I have to make sure the light inside is on, I check the back seat (every time) and when I am sure there is no one there, I get in. I have come to the understanding that it depends on whatever is going on in my life, that determines how fearful I am. Spiritually I experience this whenever I hear God speaking to me about something that I need to reconcile or dig deeper into. I am not sure, sometimes, what exactly it is that I'm getting into so I need to have complete dependence on Jesus to be with me while I am in process....to shine His light and enable me to see.
Below is a writing that "speaks to" darkness.


Darkness, why do you scare me so?
Everything I fear is in you
Albeit, I need you

I cannot see into you
When I arrive
My heart quickens its pace

Is there someone or something there?
My rationality tells me
Beware of the unseen, evil lurks within

Be a big girl, approach
There is nothing within
Nothing there to impair

Where is this voice coming from?
In a millisecond
All this conflict, I am afraid

I find a weapon to encounter you
When I push on
A light to improve you

Darkness be gone
You have no power within me
I have won this scrimmage

Thanks for your prayers

Michael's blood test came back inconclusive for kidney problems. He still has to get more tests, and hopefully, he will! Im still pestering him about getting the cat scan done, but hey...Im just the Mom...Again, Thanks for your prayers...I definately felt them and Im sure he did too!

Prayer Needed

May Son Michael is sick....and Im afraid. He has a condition called Myasthenia Gravis. It is an autoimmune condition that is a neuromuscular problem. He was first diagnosed with this about a year ago. At that time he had no insurance. He has been medicated and doing very well, until recently (of course I am the mom and I get to find out last!) Anyway, the fix for this problem is surgery similar to that of open heart surgery because where they have to operate is on the thymus gland that is located behind the breast bone (no way in but through) So, to make a really long story short. He has been having some problems and the dr thinks it may be his kidneys, he also believes it may be a result of the meds. Michael has waited too long for the cat scan and ultimate surgery, maybe to the point of causing more problems...this worries me...and Im not a worrier. He does have very good insurance now, so Im asking for prayer..specifically for myself that I can know that God is in control and that I can have some peace from that knowledge and also for Michael that he does the right thing and listens to his doctor and that he also knows peace....because I know hes scared too...Thanks...feel free to send this to anyone,,,,anywhere.

The egg of joy!

Sometimes, I need to pick out the good feeling stuff and pitch out the yucky stuff, even though all of it is there, right at the surface, joy is what I need. For some reason my minds eye just pictured separating an egg. The parts that can be eaten are inside of the eggshell, all together. When it is poured into the egg separater, the part that has no color falls away, leaving you a golden yellow "nugget"...this may be joy!

I remember...

"Especially rich are incidents and images stored away that you aren't sure ever actually occurred; dreams or stories someone has spoken of so many times that they're engraved as past realities"
The above is a quote taken from deAnn's post about this writing exercise. I copied it here because it speaks to what I want to write about. So...here goes...I remember being a child, probably about 5 or 6 yrs old. My father sang in a Barber Shop ensemble. He had the most amazing tenor voice. I used to think he was the best singer in the whole world. I remember, and still picture it in my mind, when he used to sing me to sleep every night. I do not recall what the songs were then, but I do remember a song that he used to sing to me when I was older. It went something like this "little eyes I love you, little eyes I love you, love you in the spring and in the fall, little eyes I love you, little eyes I love you, love you best of all" I can still see his face when he would sing in a whisper type voice. This would be a really sweet story...if in fact...it were true. Unfortunately, its not. After years of telling this story, over and over again, I was confronted by my sister and brother and told to stop telling lies, "our father never sang you to sleep, he was never home". I was fortunate enough though, when I was an adult, to be able to confront my father with this "vision" and he confirmed my fear, that it was all made up...by me. Although this was tuff to hear, at least he told me the truth and took some responsibility. He had no way to explain to me though...how I could..and still can by the way, see this vision so clearly and also to hear his voice. I have determined that since this was a great comfort to me, it must have been God himself, there is just no other explaination. I have other memories from my childhood that I wonder from time to time...was that real? What I have determined is...it doesnt really matter. The memories that I have from alot of my adult life are a bit blurry sometimes, but what came from living a childhood of made up stories, it taught me as an adult to really pay attention to everything, so that my reality isnt in question. I do still, struggle from time to time with other people who want to question my reality, it has caused me to be more aware and more contemplative.

The One Thing I Know

"And the veil just lifted
I can finally understand
The way you work in me
But even if I didn't
You are still a sovereign God
Who has a plan for me"

The above is a verse from a song by Sara Groves. It speaks volumes to me, so....instead of trying to put this into my own words at this moment, I thought I'd just quote it for now.

????

I find it hard
Very hard
To hear you today

I see it blurry
Very blurry
Your kind face

I feel it quickly
Very quickly
My anger and temper

Where are you?
Very hidden
I cant find you today

You are there
Very there
But where?

In the shadow of my brokenness
Perhaps?
I cant see past this veil now
Plunging into gracelessness
Its dark here
I see red and black

Jesus?