Rebel

I am a rebel....it is not who I am....but what I am...or what I sometimes am! I went to church yesterday, against doctors orders (shhh dont tell!)...woo hoo....I never, ever, thought it would be so exciting to go to church, but then I remembered how I felt when I first became a christian and how excited I would be that it was sunday! Anyway, On the way to church yesterday, I noticed or experienced the colors of my world. The sky was so blue, maybe a different color blue than I have ever seen before, do you know the color of the syrup that makes the snowball/snowcone named "sky blue"? This is what I saw yesterday. The grass was the color green that the crayon says is green. There were flowers of every color that I noticed, they seem to be bigger and brighter on this particular morning. It was a nice cool morning, I don't know if that had anything to do with color. It seems as though when it is hot outside, everything looks kinda hazy, like looking through dirty eyeglasses and when it is cool the lenses on the eyeglasses are perfectly clean. Hmmmmm, gives me some food for thought about my relationship with Christ, when Im a "hot head" I see my relationship with Christ as a bit hazy, because of my attitude at the moment, I cant see clearly. When I am able to "cool down" and be reasonable, I can more clearly see my Savior! My experience inside the church was awesome as well. Not only was the message wonderful, but I was able to talk to several people and have real conversation. So many times at church I am rushing from here to there, trying to find so and so to tell something or the other to, or Im trying to hide from so and so! (dont let that get out! tryin to be honest here!!) I miss so much in my busyness of life. I believe that God has orchestrated this "forced sabbath" so that I can learn to be more grateful for what he has given me....the world...and so that I can better hear him and respond. "My Savior loves, My Savior Lives My Saviors always there for me, My Savior Was, My Savior Is, My Saviors always gonna be!"
This quote is from a song that I hear in my head quite often, it is lyrics from a song that I heard on WJTL once, and it stuck...anyone know who the artist is?
Oh, buy the way, There were yellow flags along side the road, at an apartment complex,that I noticed on our way home, that were blowing ferousiously in the wind that had picked up in the time that we had spent in church. My husband tells me that those flags have been there for a really long time...hmmmm,,,,never noticed!

Tryin to BE STILL!

It has been exactly one week ago that I had surgery on my neck. The surgery went really well, they replaced 3 disc's instead of 2 and then "plated" them all together. I wondered after the surgery why it took so long for me to have this procedure, but now, after 1 week of total and complete dependence on someone other than myself, its coming back to me!! My husband has been great, Im the problem (i know, youre shocked!!) It has been really difficult for me to be sedintery, and truth be told, I havent followed instruction completely. I am not supposed to lift anything more than a 1/2 gallon of milk, Im not to push or pull or pick up anything, turn my head in either direction or up or down, I am not even allowed in a vehicle, much less drive one...pretty much Im to be completely still. When I first started on this silence and solitude journey, Be Still..had a totally different meaning than it does now. What I have come to understand is that I was being SET UP!! Im trying not to have an attitude about that, because it comes from God....and I really should be a tad more gracious than that!! This week has been a process for me in alot of ways. The day after surgery my husband got a call from his stepmother telling him that his father was being rushed to York Hospital for open heart surgery. I couldnt go with him of course, he knew that and asked his sons if they would meet him there. They met him there and they proceeded to wait on his father. His dad came by way of ambulance from Gettysburg 3 hours later. They said he wouldnt even get seen by a doctor until the following Monday, which was 2 days ago. Anyway there is alot of family drama that I wont go into but Tom has brothers and and a sister from here to Florida, they are all here now, in town, waiting for this man to have surgery. It is supposed to be tomorrow morning now. Anyway, we had his brother and 2 nephews from Pittsburgh staying here with us. I was really anxious about this prospect initially because I usually feel that I have to entertain but it worked out great. They all were helping me to not do anything! It was actually fun and some things got worked out within the family that have been broken for a really long time...not that its perfect, or even good...but there were understandings reached that are agreeable to all....phew....and without my help!!! God is so good. I am able to watch him do stuff, right before my very eyes...its very, very cool!!! I'll write at a later time about "faces in the trees"

Talents

"Don't make a cemetery of your life by burying your talents" This quote came from the Our Daily Bread daily devotional for June 9. When I read it my mind immediately pictured a cemetery with the following Here lies Janes talent to draw....1959-1979.......Here lies Janes talent to write songs ....1959-1980....Here lies Janes talent to do crafts 1959-1990....Here lies Janes talent to design flowers....1959-1978.....resurrected 1999 and now in a coma! Now I know that my talent didnt really die, my creative self got hidden under a bunch of stuff in one of my spiritual suitcases. But for all intents and purposes, they were dead...couldnt see them anywhere...to look at my home you would never think there is a creative bone in my body. Nothing hanging on the walls, nothing sitting around that says..."Jane made this". My creativity in flower designing came back to me in 1999. It was very much a "God Thing" because I really wasn't thinking about getting into the business of flowers. Pretty much what happened was, I was on unemployment...trying to figure out what I wanted to be when I grew up!!!!! I applied at a local flower shop for a cashier position and was hired within 3 days to be a designer...wasnt really looking for that, but hey....here it is. When I graduated high school, it was expected of me to go to college...particularly in the field of business as it relates to money. My mother and step father both worked at a credit union and I started working there when I was 15, anyway, I wanted to go to flower design school. Of course that was the silliest, stupidest thing anyone in my family ever heard, but I was 18, out of school, had a job and I felt that I owed it to myself to explore it. I went through all the classes. I was praised at school and pretty much ridiculed at home....things like "you'll never make any money doing that" "its nice, but does it pay very much?" Needless to say, I settled into a job at a bank. Not that I didnt do that well, I did and climbed the corporate ladder pretty quickly, but I always had this incredible aching inside, like I was missing something. When I landed the job at the flower shop, I was sent to school from there for 3 yrs. I loved working with the flowers, it gave me that something that I ached for, a feeling of Joy when I created arrangements. I decided to start out on my own and started my own business with my husband,out of our home, it was called Only By Grace Flowers and Things. In the beginning I loved it, but unfortunately, it didnt work, for many reasons.I had to close up shop and get a "real" job...I am again experiencing that ache...ok, all that to say this....I recognize that God has given me many talents, some of which have been buried for a long time, some are in an "on hold" state and some I work with daily. I am so thankful that I now, after all these years have the ability to see that these talents are part of who God designed me to be and that I have you, my reflective souls group to help inspire me. Thank you!

Quote from Larry Crabb

"The biggest challenge I face in my longing to become who I am is to know and enjoy each member of the Trinity to such an extent that I can remain centered in them when I'm with others. When I'm centered in God, alive to the spirit's rhythm, aware of the Son's grace, and basking in the Father's love, I no longer fear anothers judgement. It can hurt, but it cannot destroy. It is then that I more fully discover my true self, and I'm empowered to enter relationships with true love"
This came from an article that I am reading titled "Misery loves company, What Im learning about my struggles" by Larry Crabb. This article talks about the struggles involved in finding our "true selves" It is a great article that I have in pdf form if anyone is interested. I may comment on it more, when I get a chance to really process it

Long Ago Silence and Solitude

I am in Pittsburgh PA, visiting my husbands Brother and his family. They have an awesome home that is situated, pretty much, on the side of a mountain. They have a large yard, with among other things, a lovely pond, with great big fish that Toms daughter Jenny, can hand feed. They have a huge deck and below the deck, at the back part of the house is a place, that I noticed this morning. I am not sure if this place belongs to this property, but what I saw was this. Someones special place....it has a nice little area with flowers and a little fence and a statue. I can only assume that this statue is of Mary. I assume this because when I saw it, I was transported to another place in time, when I was a child. All of the families in my neighborhood, growing up, were Catholic, except my family. Each yard had a place where a statue of Mary sat. I never really investigated back then, why they had this statue or what its significance could be. I am still not entirely sure what that is about, but I intend to ask when everyone else in the house is awake. I know that when we were in Argentina last July, there were many "shrines" to Mary, again though, I didnt ask alot of questions, the only understanding I have of this "shrine" is that Mary is extremely important to the "statue bearers" faith. Anyway, all of that to say this. When I started my journey into Silence and Solitude I thought that this was some kind of new wave interest or experience. As I am becoming more aware of my surroundings, I am coming to believe that people have been practicing this discipline for a long time. I understand that this is an ancient discipline, but what I didnt understand is that people in and around my life have been practicing this for a long time, as evidenced by the sacred place where this statue sits. Just paying attention to my surroundings, every minute, shoots me off into another direction of learning. Today, I will try to learn about the Mary statue.
Also, the picture that I have posted labeled "The Cross" is very, very close to here. About 50 miles or so. "The Cross" has special significance to me. It was built a long time ago on the top of the highest mountain that overlooks my hometown of Uniontown PA, in a town called Jumonville. To the right side of my page, under the picture of The Cross is a link to the website...today, the area around the cross is a retreat center, How cool is that?! I remember fondly my parents taking us to this cross for sunrise service on Easter morning, it was such a beautiful place to be as the sun rose over the mountains on a cool spring morning. I remember what it smelled like there and how it felt to me. I have a sense again, of a sacred place, on top of that mountain, so long ago. Again, "sacred places" playing a part in my life, and I didnt even know it was happening, until now! How great God is, for allowing me to "see"

Intended To Be

HE has something specific to say to me. I was thinking I was on the right track to know what that still, small whisper was...but now Im not sure. I do know that there was this incredible little bookstore near where I stayed in D.C. last weekend called the Potters House. It was affiliated with the seminar place called "Servant leadership school" so it was the "in between" place that we hung out. Every single thing I touched and read had something to do with stillness, quietness, centering and "becoming the free and creative people that somewhere deep within, we know we were intended to be" I am serious, every single thing!!! It was wild. The place where I stayed was a mission house that had a "resident manager" that wrote the quote I listed above about becoming...her name is Kayla McClurg and it was nice to be able to talk to her while I was there. Last weekend was an awesome time of learning for me, on a couple of levels, to be away from what I know and understand here in York PA was good for me, it seems that when I am away, it is easier to be quiet with Our Savior. I think I've determined that its because I dont have any of the distractions that everyday life has for me at home...make sense?

The seminar was about Addictions, Healthy Brains, the Twelve Steps and Community. I learned more about the brain and addictions than I ever knew before, therefore I learned more about myself...which is always a good thing, but more importantly I can use so much of what I heard to be of better service in the group that I co-lead at my church. My co leader and I got to spend some "off" time with the speaker, Ed Khouri and got to know him better. He has an incredible story about healing and what the Lord has done for him and he was a true inspiration to me. I talked to him about this wonderful group of women who are searching for the artist within and he was impressed that we are headed out on this journey! So kudos to us!! The first time we visited the Potters House bookstore, there was a table with a women sitting at it. There was a sign on the table that said "Discussion group, Art and how it relates to Faith, and vice versa" Several other people brought their lunch to this table and unfortunately, I didnt pick up on what was going on, until it was too late. When the women picked up the sign and put it in the back of the store...I caught on that this discussion group was going on right then, when we were eating lunch, and now it was over. I was so upset I missed it, but I got to talk with her, her name is Mary. We had a wonderful conversation about the "repressed artist" syndrome and she told me that she thinks God is doing amazing things with peoples awareness and that she was really excited to hear that we are having like conversations in York PA!!! So, all in all it was a really good weekend and I got to meet a couple of really neat women that are on our same journey. I want to leave this post with some of the things that were on the refrigerator at "Andrews House" (this was the place we stayed) On the side of the refrigerator were all kinds of magnet words and each guest was encouraged to put some words together...Here are some of them:

*****Deep like liquid breath in the belly of a blind breeze

*****Linger & listen speak from the heart poetry

*****No words could speak of the slow secret joy of wild poetry

*****Let life nakedness be healing

*****Your smile perfumes the morning

and mine were *****Linger over Peace *****Pick flowers when sad, learn their desire

Awesome words, from an awesome place where I was Intended to be!

Another Adventure

This quote comes from the Our Daily Bread devotional..."Adventures can be fun...and scary. They usually involve a bit of the unknow. As we walk in fellowship with God, it's likely that our lives will have many unique adventures...opportunities to serve Him. If we're reluctant or scared and we turn down an opportunity, we miss out. Will God still get the job done? Of course. But someone else will receive the blessing". "Courage is fear that has said its prayers!". I shared this quote from you because at the time I saw it on Tuesday May 8, I ripped it out of the devotional book and decided I wanted to process it some more. On that day and several of the next days, I took from it to mean something about this new adventure of writing and finding my creative self....its kinda scarey...but I dont want someone else getting the blessing that is meant for me....make sence? Ok, well, in a matter of 1 week and 1 day, the meaning of this quote took on a whole new understanding for me....the understanding of being LOST on my adventure. All alone, in the scarey dark woods. Something still scares me about dark woods, physically and mentally. On Wednesday May 16 I had a "melt-down" at work. I was asked to hand in my resignation in writing and within 2 hours or so, I was rehired. This is a very hard story to tell without telling the details, but I am choosing to the leave those out, because, really in the scheme of things, they don't matter. What matters is what I was feeling and what I learned through it. I was feeling fear, but it came out as rage. This behavior is not new to me, but it is a behavior that I haven't allowed for a really, really long time. This fear I have determined was a combination of many things that were going on in my life, and worse than the understand of that, was the understanding that it was satan himself....working tirelessly at me. Not just in my work life, but in my personal life also. I called my husband in the midst of all of this mess and he was definately my grounding point. He asked me simple questions. What happened? Where was God in all of this? and finally, Have you prayed through this? These questions have a recurring theme for me and I needed to not only answer them, but listen to what the questions were saying to me. They were saying that I was lost. Here is the good news, I was lost, but now Im found! or it might be more acurate to say Im finding my way back from the darkened woods! I was able to go back to work, after I said several prayers, one about forgiveness (for losing site of HIM) one of gratitude for having the freedome to chose HIM, and one for the strength and humbleness to talk to my supervisor. I spoke with her at length and process through what had happened. I was able to do this calmly and without anger and she was able to hear me, calmly and without anger. These 2 things were a blessing. I was only able to do this because of Jesus, living in me, a reality that I dont think I really understood until that day. In the wake of this episode I have been drawing ever closer to Jesus....because I have learned yet another lesson that he never leaves me alone in the darkened woods, where the scarey things of my life hide...he is right there with me....only I am blind....and cannot see. I do not wish to go on anymore journeys without him, I dont want to be scared...to let fear rule me