Quote from Larry Crabb

"The biggest challenge I face in my longing to become who I am is to know and enjoy each member of the Trinity to such an extent that I can remain centered in them when I'm with others. When I'm centered in God, alive to the spirit's rhythm, aware of the Son's grace, and basking in the Father's love, I no longer fear anothers judgement. It can hurt, but it cannot destroy. It is then that I more fully discover my true self, and I'm empowered to enter relationships with true love"
This came from an article that I am reading titled "Misery loves company, What Im learning about my struggles" by Larry Crabb. This article talks about the struggles involved in finding our "true selves" It is a great article that I have in pdf form if anyone is interested. I may comment on it more, when I get a chance to really process it

Long Ago Silence and Solitude

I am in Pittsburgh PA, visiting my husbands Brother and his family. They have an awesome home that is situated, pretty much, on the side of a mountain. They have a large yard, with among other things, a lovely pond, with great big fish that Toms daughter Jenny, can hand feed. They have a huge deck and below the deck, at the back part of the house is a place, that I noticed this morning. I am not sure if this place belongs to this property, but what I saw was this. Someones special place....it has a nice little area with flowers and a little fence and a statue. I can only assume that this statue is of Mary. I assume this because when I saw it, I was transported to another place in time, when I was a child. All of the families in my neighborhood, growing up, were Catholic, except my family. Each yard had a place where a statue of Mary sat. I never really investigated back then, why they had this statue or what its significance could be. I am still not entirely sure what that is about, but I intend to ask when everyone else in the house is awake. I know that when we were in Argentina last July, there were many "shrines" to Mary, again though, I didnt ask alot of questions, the only understanding I have of this "shrine" is that Mary is extremely important to the "statue bearers" faith. Anyway, all of that to say this. When I started my journey into Silence and Solitude I thought that this was some kind of new wave interest or experience. As I am becoming more aware of my surroundings, I am coming to believe that people have been practicing this discipline for a long time. I understand that this is an ancient discipline, but what I didnt understand is that people in and around my life have been practicing this for a long time, as evidenced by the sacred place where this statue sits. Just paying attention to my surroundings, every minute, shoots me off into another direction of learning. Today, I will try to learn about the Mary statue.
Also, the picture that I have posted labeled "The Cross" is very, very close to here. About 50 miles or so. "The Cross" has special significance to me. It was built a long time ago on the top of the highest mountain that overlooks my hometown of Uniontown PA, in a town called Jumonville. To the right side of my page, under the picture of The Cross is a link to the website...today, the area around the cross is a retreat center, How cool is that?! I remember fondly my parents taking us to this cross for sunrise service on Easter morning, it was such a beautiful place to be as the sun rose over the mountains on a cool spring morning. I remember what it smelled like there and how it felt to me. I have a sense again, of a sacred place, on top of that mountain, so long ago. Again, "sacred places" playing a part in my life, and I didnt even know it was happening, until now! How great God is, for allowing me to "see"

Intended To Be

HE has something specific to say to me. I was thinking I was on the right track to know what that still, small whisper was...but now Im not sure. I do know that there was this incredible little bookstore near where I stayed in D.C. last weekend called the Potters House. It was affiliated with the seminar place called "Servant leadership school" so it was the "in between" place that we hung out. Every single thing I touched and read had something to do with stillness, quietness, centering and "becoming the free and creative people that somewhere deep within, we know we were intended to be" I am serious, every single thing!!! It was wild. The place where I stayed was a mission house that had a "resident manager" that wrote the quote I listed above about becoming...her name is Kayla McClurg and it was nice to be able to talk to her while I was there. Last weekend was an awesome time of learning for me, on a couple of levels, to be away from what I know and understand here in York PA was good for me, it seems that when I am away, it is easier to be quiet with Our Savior. I think I've determined that its because I dont have any of the distractions that everyday life has for me at home...make sense?

The seminar was about Addictions, Healthy Brains, the Twelve Steps and Community. I learned more about the brain and addictions than I ever knew before, therefore I learned more about myself...which is always a good thing, but more importantly I can use so much of what I heard to be of better service in the group that I co-lead at my church. My co leader and I got to spend some "off" time with the speaker, Ed Khouri and got to know him better. He has an incredible story about healing and what the Lord has done for him and he was a true inspiration to me. I talked to him about this wonderful group of women who are searching for the artist within and he was impressed that we are headed out on this journey! So kudos to us!! The first time we visited the Potters House bookstore, there was a table with a women sitting at it. There was a sign on the table that said "Discussion group, Art and how it relates to Faith, and vice versa" Several other people brought their lunch to this table and unfortunately, I didnt pick up on what was going on, until it was too late. When the women picked up the sign and put it in the back of the store...I caught on that this discussion group was going on right then, when we were eating lunch, and now it was over. I was so upset I missed it, but I got to talk with her, her name is Mary. We had a wonderful conversation about the "repressed artist" syndrome and she told me that she thinks God is doing amazing things with peoples awareness and that she was really excited to hear that we are having like conversations in York PA!!! So, all in all it was a really good weekend and I got to meet a couple of really neat women that are on our same journey. I want to leave this post with some of the things that were on the refrigerator at "Andrews House" (this was the place we stayed) On the side of the refrigerator were all kinds of magnet words and each guest was encouraged to put some words together...Here are some of them:

*****Deep like liquid breath in the belly of a blind breeze

*****Linger & listen speak from the heart poetry

*****No words could speak of the slow secret joy of wild poetry

*****Let life nakedness be healing

*****Your smile perfumes the morning

and mine were *****Linger over Peace *****Pick flowers when sad, learn their desire

Awesome words, from an awesome place where I was Intended to be!

Another Adventure

This quote comes from the Our Daily Bread devotional..."Adventures can be fun...and scary. They usually involve a bit of the unknow. As we walk in fellowship with God, it's likely that our lives will have many unique adventures...opportunities to serve Him. If we're reluctant or scared and we turn down an opportunity, we miss out. Will God still get the job done? Of course. But someone else will receive the blessing". "Courage is fear that has said its prayers!". I shared this quote from you because at the time I saw it on Tuesday May 8, I ripped it out of the devotional book and decided I wanted to process it some more. On that day and several of the next days, I took from it to mean something about this new adventure of writing and finding my creative self....its kinda scarey...but I dont want someone else getting the blessing that is meant for me....make sence? Ok, well, in a matter of 1 week and 1 day, the meaning of this quote took on a whole new understanding for me....the understanding of being LOST on my adventure. All alone, in the scarey dark woods. Something still scares me about dark woods, physically and mentally. On Wednesday May 16 I had a "melt-down" at work. I was asked to hand in my resignation in writing and within 2 hours or so, I was rehired. This is a very hard story to tell without telling the details, but I am choosing to the leave those out, because, really in the scheme of things, they don't matter. What matters is what I was feeling and what I learned through it. I was feeling fear, but it came out as rage. This behavior is not new to me, but it is a behavior that I haven't allowed for a really, really long time. This fear I have determined was a combination of many things that were going on in my life, and worse than the understand of that, was the understanding that it was satan himself....working tirelessly at me. Not just in my work life, but in my personal life also. I called my husband in the midst of all of this mess and he was definately my grounding point. He asked me simple questions. What happened? Where was God in all of this? and finally, Have you prayed through this? These questions have a recurring theme for me and I needed to not only answer them, but listen to what the questions were saying to me. They were saying that I was lost. Here is the good news, I was lost, but now Im found! or it might be more acurate to say Im finding my way back from the darkened woods! I was able to go back to work, after I said several prayers, one about forgiveness (for losing site of HIM) one of gratitude for having the freedome to chose HIM, and one for the strength and humbleness to talk to my supervisor. I spoke with her at length and process through what had happened. I was able to do this calmly and without anger and she was able to hear me, calmly and without anger. These 2 things were a blessing. I was only able to do this because of Jesus, living in me, a reality that I dont think I really understood until that day. In the wake of this episode I have been drawing ever closer to Jesus....because I have learned yet another lesson that he never leaves me alone in the darkened woods, where the scarey things of my life hide...he is right there with me....only I am blind....and cannot see. I do not wish to go on anymore journeys without him, I dont want to be scared...to let fear rule me

In the morning

In the morning, I need at least one full hour to clear the cobwebs. This is when I get my everyday silence and solitude. I want no other human around me. Selfish? Nah, I think more along the lines of another S word....Smart. I know me in the morning, Im a grump! I awaken at 5:30 so that I can be at work at 8:00. I guess I should be grateful that I dont start work at 6:00! I must say that it hasnt always been that way. In a former life, far...far away...I could sleep until noon. Today, Im trying desperately to wake up. There is activity all around me. As in the last post, all the little creatures of the woods are active and very vocal. My cat is laying between the keyboard and the monitor, the dog, at my feet, Jenny ( my stepdaughter) wanted me to get her up earlier than normal because she has a track meet at school today that she is very excited about, and wanted additional time to get ready. I am annoyed...because I didnt get what I wanted this morning....poor me!!! I have been trying to pay attention to how I am feeling and how I am reacting to everyday life issues. I have been a state of total grumpiness for the last 2 weeks or so. I think Ive reached my threshold of pain tolerance. I dont take pain killers, so Ive been relying on myself, pretty much, to try and deal. Joanne, my spiritual mentor asked the question....."so Jane, where is God in all of this"....dang, I knew she was going to ask me that!!! Heres the honest answer, I didnt invite Him....How disturbing....He is the One and only thing that can help me deal, my Maker, my Creator, my everything....how dare I, leave him out? Today, I will be intentional about letting God into my presence....because I am always in His presence, and he wants me to want him.

The beasts of the woods

I was being intentional about thinking about being intentional! I know...that probably makes no sense to the sane...let me explain...I am still having quite a bit of pain from problems with my neck, therefore, Im not doing much of anything except thinking. Today I was on my back porch, sitting at the table listening to the sounds of the woods that are behind my house. There were a variety of birds chirping loudly at each other, an occasional bark from my dog Madison, of course there cant ever be just one dog barking...almost like the birds...when one starts...others follow. I noticed that squirrels in "my woods" always come in twos, I dont know if Ive ever seen just one scurrying around by itself. This started me thinking about why that might be. Is it because there is a red tailed hawk (probably not just one of those either) patroling the area all the time? Is it because they are youngsters and momma said to always take a buddy?! Or could it be that they know about this relationship with others idea? I watched a pair of them having the grandest time running around chasing each other, jumping from tree to tree almost as if they were flying. At times they would swing around, face each other and bark something only squirrels know, and off they would go again. It looked like so much fun for them. They absolutely were enjoying each others company....or so it seemed to this human! It made me think about my relationship with Jesus and with other people. It made me realize that life is so much more fun with other people and when I chose to allow Jesus to buddy up with me, how much better my life is. When I allow Jesus as my buddy, in every aspect of my life...I can "fly from tree to tree" because I trust Him to lead me in the right direction. When I allow others into my life, I begin to trust them also and together we can be on the lookout for the "red tailed hawk" of the human world....I'll call him satan. Question of the day: Will I let Jesus be my buddy?.....Im thinkin YEP!

Starting

In the beginning....nah that won't work!
Ok...here I go!! I started this journey in an "around the corner" kind of approach. There were some character defects that I needed to work on. I was fortunate to have very loving people placed in my life that were able to tell me about one of them. This particular one was keeping me far, far away from the relationship that I could have been having with other people, but more importantly from my Creator. I had a very rough demeanor. Not that I saw myself as a mean person, but I was viewed that way by some people. There was alot of work that I needed to do if I wanted to change the way others saw me, or perceived me....hence the journey begun.
I was introduced to the idea of Silence and Solitude, hee hee, what a hoot! For those of you who know me, you know that this was going to be quite the task! Anyway, I ventured out...I bought the book Invitation to Solitude and Silence (experiencing God's Transforming Presence) by Ruth Haley Barton, an exceptional book. To make this a condensed version of this part of my life, I read the book, I took directions given in the book, I set up "my sacred place" in my home, I got a Spiritual Mentor...I took some other direction from those that love me, and found myself with a longing for something....I felt closer to God than ever, I absolutely felt a relationship with Him, but I longed for something else. I wasn't sure what "it" was. deAnn and I met for breakfast one morning and she asked the question "do you see yourself as an artist?" The answer was immediate and definate "Yes"! Ive not quite put my finger on which or what type of artist, but I had and immediate, emotional reaction to her question. So...I'm trying to connect with my repressed artist...maybe I'm trying too hard....I think I'll keep doing different things until I find my true creative self.
Til next time...I remain "Still"