????

I find it hard
Very hard
To hear you today

I see it blurry
Very blurry
Your kind face

I feel it quickly
Very quickly
My anger and temper

Where are you?
Very hidden
I cant find you today

You are there
Very there
But where?

In the shadow of my brokenness
Perhaps?
I cant see past this veil now
Plunging into gracelessness
Its dark here
I see red and black

Jesus?

Gettysburg Bike Week 2007

Rumbling, sometimes loud, sometimes softly
First one…then another…then many
Making the individual sounds combine to a loud buzzing of sorts

Like a Barbershop ensemble
Or maybe more like a choir
Each having its own part to make up the harmony

A sea of chrome and bodies
brightly colored paintings
On various canvases to show individuality, but also harmony

The predominate covering color is black
Adorned with patches and pins
Still creating a painting to show allegiance to a brotherhood

Lost and searching souls
Some are dark, despite the bright colors
Others have a glimmer of light in their eyes, searching to belong amongst the paintings

All are children of God
Brightly colored in character as well as body
They try to shield their brightness, cloaked in black…but we the faithful can see their beauty….beneath the cloak of darkness

Regrets/Splinters

The following is a comment to a post by Deb on the Sacred Encounters blogsite. I wanted to post it here on my site, as a reminder to me. Check out the writing for today on her site...it is fabulous...thanks Deb!

Regret/splinters....what a wonderful analagy. It amazes me still how God teaches me. Maybe not so much the lesson, but how. For the last several years, God has been showing me my "splinters" (I used to call them defects of character, I like splinters better, its softer!) Its not that I didnt know they were there, I felt them when the affected area was pushed on, but often let them be, until they became infected, swollen and really really sore. Then, would get out the needle and start digging. After a great amount of pain, the splinter would be removed and anticeptic would be placed on the wound. Its like that, with my deep life issues...Gods healing anticeptic is the cure. There are other times, when I see the splinter, run quickly to get the tweesers, get to work at pulling on the part that is exposed, and in my haste, break off the peice that I can see, leaving the balk of the problem, still imbedded. Im starting to understand, that God is showing me this peice, so I can carefully, but with diligence and time, pull out the splinter. He doesnt show these to me so I can quickly get to work to get rid of the problem, He wants me to learn a lesson in the process, so that hopefully, the next time I get a splinter, I can handle it...the way He wants me to. My friend and previous growth group member, Gloria, passed away last week. I am dealing with the splinter of regret as it relates to what kind of friend I was to her. Forgiveness will be my anticeptic.

Long ago Song

As I sit here in my room
My thoughts are all of you
My world is so much better
Now that Im with you

I think you know how I feel
I think its very clear
You're on my mind, all the time
It's losing you I fear

How can I tell you
The things Id like to say
How can I explain to you
My feelings everyday
by Jane Coffman

I wrote this little song in 1975. Im quite sure it was for a boyfriend then, but it speaks to me today about the relationship I have with my Savior, not so much "how can I tell you, but "my world is such much better, now that Im with you" and "its losing you I fear"

Rebel

I am a rebel....it is not who I am....but what I am...or what I sometimes am! I went to church yesterday, against doctors orders (shhh dont tell!)...woo hoo....I never, ever, thought it would be so exciting to go to church, but then I remembered how I felt when I first became a christian and how excited I would be that it was sunday! Anyway, On the way to church yesterday, I noticed or experienced the colors of my world. The sky was so blue, maybe a different color blue than I have ever seen before, do you know the color of the syrup that makes the snowball/snowcone named "sky blue"? This is what I saw yesterday. The grass was the color green that the crayon says is green. There were flowers of every color that I noticed, they seem to be bigger and brighter on this particular morning. It was a nice cool morning, I don't know if that had anything to do with color. It seems as though when it is hot outside, everything looks kinda hazy, like looking through dirty eyeglasses and when it is cool the lenses on the eyeglasses are perfectly clean. Hmmmmm, gives me some food for thought about my relationship with Christ, when Im a "hot head" I see my relationship with Christ as a bit hazy, because of my attitude at the moment, I cant see clearly. When I am able to "cool down" and be reasonable, I can more clearly see my Savior! My experience inside the church was awesome as well. Not only was the message wonderful, but I was able to talk to several people and have real conversation. So many times at church I am rushing from here to there, trying to find so and so to tell something or the other to, or Im trying to hide from so and so! (dont let that get out! tryin to be honest here!!) I miss so much in my busyness of life. I believe that God has orchestrated this "forced sabbath" so that I can learn to be more grateful for what he has given me....the world...and so that I can better hear him and respond. "My Savior loves, My Savior Lives My Saviors always there for me, My Savior Was, My Savior Is, My Saviors always gonna be!"
This quote is from a song that I hear in my head quite often, it is lyrics from a song that I heard on WJTL once, and it stuck...anyone know who the artist is?
Oh, buy the way, There were yellow flags along side the road, at an apartment complex,that I noticed on our way home, that were blowing ferousiously in the wind that had picked up in the time that we had spent in church. My husband tells me that those flags have been there for a really long time...hmmmm,,,,never noticed!

Tryin to BE STILL!

It has been exactly one week ago that I had surgery on my neck. The surgery went really well, they replaced 3 disc's instead of 2 and then "plated" them all together. I wondered after the surgery why it took so long for me to have this procedure, but now, after 1 week of total and complete dependence on someone other than myself, its coming back to me!! My husband has been great, Im the problem (i know, youre shocked!!) It has been really difficult for me to be sedintery, and truth be told, I havent followed instruction completely. I am not supposed to lift anything more than a 1/2 gallon of milk, Im not to push or pull or pick up anything, turn my head in either direction or up or down, I am not even allowed in a vehicle, much less drive one...pretty much Im to be completely still. When I first started on this silence and solitude journey, Be Still..had a totally different meaning than it does now. What I have come to understand is that I was being SET UP!! Im trying not to have an attitude about that, because it comes from God....and I really should be a tad more gracious than that!! This week has been a process for me in alot of ways. The day after surgery my husband got a call from his stepmother telling him that his father was being rushed to York Hospital for open heart surgery. I couldnt go with him of course, he knew that and asked his sons if they would meet him there. They met him there and they proceeded to wait on his father. His dad came by way of ambulance from Gettysburg 3 hours later. They said he wouldnt even get seen by a doctor until the following Monday, which was 2 days ago. Anyway there is alot of family drama that I wont go into but Tom has brothers and and a sister from here to Florida, they are all here now, in town, waiting for this man to have surgery. It is supposed to be tomorrow morning now. Anyway, we had his brother and 2 nephews from Pittsburgh staying here with us. I was really anxious about this prospect initially because I usually feel that I have to entertain but it worked out great. They all were helping me to not do anything! It was actually fun and some things got worked out within the family that have been broken for a really long time...not that its perfect, or even good...but there were understandings reached that are agreeable to all....phew....and without my help!!! God is so good. I am able to watch him do stuff, right before my very eyes...its very, very cool!!! I'll write at a later time about "faces in the trees"

Talents

"Don't make a cemetery of your life by burying your talents" This quote came from the Our Daily Bread daily devotional for June 9. When I read it my mind immediately pictured a cemetery with the following Here lies Janes talent to draw....1959-1979.......Here lies Janes talent to write songs ....1959-1980....Here lies Janes talent to do crafts 1959-1990....Here lies Janes talent to design flowers....1959-1978.....resurrected 1999 and now in a coma! Now I know that my talent didnt really die, my creative self got hidden under a bunch of stuff in one of my spiritual suitcases. But for all intents and purposes, they were dead...couldnt see them anywhere...to look at my home you would never think there is a creative bone in my body. Nothing hanging on the walls, nothing sitting around that says..."Jane made this". My creativity in flower designing came back to me in 1999. It was very much a "God Thing" because I really wasn't thinking about getting into the business of flowers. Pretty much what happened was, I was on unemployment...trying to figure out what I wanted to be when I grew up!!!!! I applied at a local flower shop for a cashier position and was hired within 3 days to be a designer...wasnt really looking for that, but hey....here it is. When I graduated high school, it was expected of me to go to college...particularly in the field of business as it relates to money. My mother and step father both worked at a credit union and I started working there when I was 15, anyway, I wanted to go to flower design school. Of course that was the silliest, stupidest thing anyone in my family ever heard, but I was 18, out of school, had a job and I felt that I owed it to myself to explore it. I went through all the classes. I was praised at school and pretty much ridiculed at home....things like "you'll never make any money doing that" "its nice, but does it pay very much?" Needless to say, I settled into a job at a bank. Not that I didnt do that well, I did and climbed the corporate ladder pretty quickly, but I always had this incredible aching inside, like I was missing something. When I landed the job at the flower shop, I was sent to school from there for 3 yrs. I loved working with the flowers, it gave me that something that I ached for, a feeling of Joy when I created arrangements. I decided to start out on my own and started my own business with my husband,out of our home, it was called Only By Grace Flowers and Things. In the beginning I loved it, but unfortunately, it didnt work, for many reasons.I had to close up shop and get a "real" job...I am again experiencing that ache...ok, all that to say this....I recognize that God has given me many talents, some of which have been buried for a long time, some are in an "on hold" state and some I work with daily. I am so thankful that I now, after all these years have the ability to see that these talents are part of who God designed me to be and that I have you, my reflective souls group to help inspire me. Thank you!