Journal entry 12/2/08

This morning I am filled with anxiety. This is a foreign feeling for me...to feel anxiety, instead of how feelings usually manifest themselves...ANGER...not that I didn't go through the angry stage, but I have grown to a point of recognizing that anger is my "fall back position". Now I have to see the "real" feeling, and to be honest, anxiety is just a manifestation too of the "real" issue..which I'll call FEAR. 9 times out of 10 this is my core issue. Last tuesday 11/25 I had a bone marrow biopsy. Well, let me state that correctly..I had the procedure, but they couldn't get any marrow, not that they didn't try 2 times! It was possibly the most painful thing I have ever had to endure in my whole life...physically anyway. The object is to drill a "tiny" hole in the hip bone, from the back, and extract the marrow....2 holes...NO MARROW. My doctor was called in, they wanted to give me morphine for the pain and continue..,"No Way" says the good doc...stop. She told me that they would reschedule in 3 weeks and they would do the procedure again under "conscience sedation"...meaning I would pretty much be out of it. I received the call yesterday that it is rescheduled for 12/8 and I was told that conscience sedation is not possible. They will give me percocet and adivan to take prior to the procedure. OK...2 things I was told are not happening...the sedation thing and 3 weeks. I am still having pain that shoots down my leg from the lst time and I functioned quite well as an addict to pain killers in my past....thank you very much. WHATS THE DEAL? I was assured that this time with the sedation prescribed, I won't be in any discomfort..." YEAH SURE..that's what they said the first time". Yesterday I was tempted to tell them to forget it..How important is this test? Ruling out Leukemia? I'm almost sure that if I had that...I'd be presenting with more than "big red blood cells"....but then again...Am I a doctor? Answer: NO and the big L is not the only thing they are looking for. There needs to be a reason for my cells to look that way...AAAAGGGGGHHHHH. I have to trust that there is a reason for all things...my trust needs to be with God...in this and all things. I know without question that thru adversity...I Grow. It seems that this is the way God gets my attention...and the lesson once learned is ingrained in me...not that I never have to relearn the lesson, but it's not as painful the next time because of the experience of trust. I need to remember that through this experience some change/transformation will happen with me or with someone else because of me. I need to trust the process. The "because of me" piece is extremely important for me to recognize, It could be that God is working out his will with someone totally not known to me...a doctor...a nurse...a tech...someone in the future who will benefit from this ordeal of mine. Could be something tiny...or it could be huge...some medical breakthrough of this procedure or the marrow itself that can help a dying child...who in this world knows..I will trust God and His process.