Journal entry 12/2/08

This morning I am filled with anxiety. This is a foreign feeling for me...to feel anxiety, instead of how feelings usually manifest themselves...ANGER...not that I didn't go through the angry stage, but I have grown to a point of recognizing that anger is my "fall back position". Now I have to see the "real" feeling, and to be honest, anxiety is just a manifestation too of the "real" issue..which I'll call FEAR. 9 times out of 10 this is my core issue. Last tuesday 11/25 I had a bone marrow biopsy. Well, let me state that correctly..I had the procedure, but they couldn't get any marrow, not that they didn't try 2 times! It was possibly the most painful thing I have ever had to endure in my whole life...physically anyway. The object is to drill a "tiny" hole in the hip bone, from the back, and extract the marrow....2 holes...NO MARROW. My doctor was called in, they wanted to give me morphine for the pain and continue..,"No Way" says the good doc...stop. She told me that they would reschedule in 3 weeks and they would do the procedure again under "conscience sedation"...meaning I would pretty much be out of it. I received the call yesterday that it is rescheduled for 12/8 and I was told that conscience sedation is not possible. They will give me percocet and adivan to take prior to the procedure. OK...2 things I was told are not happening...the sedation thing and 3 weeks. I am still having pain that shoots down my leg from the lst time and I functioned quite well as an addict to pain killers in my past....thank you very much. WHATS THE DEAL? I was assured that this time with the sedation prescribed, I won't be in any discomfort..." YEAH SURE..that's what they said the first time". Yesterday I was tempted to tell them to forget it..How important is this test? Ruling out Leukemia? I'm almost sure that if I had that...I'd be presenting with more than "big red blood cells"....but then again...Am I a doctor? Answer: NO and the big L is not the only thing they are looking for. There needs to be a reason for my cells to look that way...AAAAGGGGGHHHHH. I have to trust that there is a reason for all things...my trust needs to be with God...in this and all things. I know without question that thru adversity...I Grow. It seems that this is the way God gets my attention...and the lesson once learned is ingrained in me...not that I never have to relearn the lesson, but it's not as painful the next time because of the experience of trust. I need to remember that through this experience some change/transformation will happen with me or with someone else because of me. I need to trust the process. The "because of me" piece is extremely important for me to recognize, It could be that God is working out his will with someone totally not known to me...a doctor...a nurse...a tech...someone in the future who will benefit from this ordeal of mine. Could be something tiny...or it could be huge...some medical breakthrough of this procedure or the marrow itself that can help a dying child...who in this world knows..I will trust God and His process.

YOU RUINED MY LIFE

There I was, happy, content, carefree

I learned how to cope with things that bothered me

I found people, places and things that I truly liked

I had a good job, that paid the bills

I had fun, every night…and weekend

I danced and danced, until I could dance no more

I went to parties every weekend

I was out til all hours of the night (and morning)

I took care of me and my child

I had the best of both worlds

I had any boyfriend I wanted

Life was good

Then, You ruined it

Thank you Jesus!

“Turning Point”

Below is a writing that was inspired by the above titled photo taken by Keith Trepanier that hangs in our coffee bar at church, and also in my livingroom.




he comes
Maybe to confess, maybe to grieve, maybe because he is so broken and hurt....in the middle of shopping, to provide for his family
he comes
To the place that he's only heard about through what seemed, far fetched tales...of a Man...who can heal him, a Man he can trust, a Man that loves him...if he would only
come.
He lives here, it is said...inside..."open the door....I love you...I promise" says the still small voice from nowhere it seems. "Just try...you are welcome here"
he tries the door...it is locked, he cannot pass through. "Just as I thought" he says "this Jesus can't be all they say he is...if so..why would they keep him hidden away behind massive wooden doors...which are locked" A sign of the times perhaps. "Is everyone broken like me"? he asks. the man speaks as if noone can hear him...as he falls to his knees before the doors "Jesus, if you are in there..please let me in" The still small voice says "I am in your heart..you don't have to come into this place to feel me with you...I Love you...Always have...No doors can ever block me from you"

Enter Willah Grace Kosmicki!!

My new granddaughter was born yesterday 7/8/08 at 7:03 PM. Mom and Baby doing wonderfully! God is so Good!

Mercy

I need Mercy
when I'm annoyed at some small thing

I need Mercy
when I am impatient

I need Mercy
because I live...in the world

We need to show Mercy
to those who are suffering

We may not know that they are suffering
because they have become masters of disguise

They disguise themselves
and they may not know why

We don't understand, underneath it all is suffering
a jagged and broken soul, so sad

Jesus shows us mercy, everyday
every minute, every second because he sees

He sees our broken places
where maybe there is just a crack

Or maybe we are broken in two
Jesus is the glue of mercy

What if............we showed everyone
mercy...the kind we receive, without hesitation

What if.........

Here Am I !

I thought by changing the style of my blogsite, I would start writing and sharing here again....I've been in process of change and have been taking some time off of many things....now...its time to be back, back to the land of the written word!

Fill me

Their cups, turned upwards, towards heaven
As if to say “fill me”
Waving gently in the breeze and cloudless sky
They wait while they dance

He will see their need, to be satisfied
But for now, they linger
In perpetual motion, wooing him
Closer to show their desire

Variety of color, shape and size
Are the subjects of His passion
For the exact thing they want from Him
He gives with intense pleasure

He sends to them a visitor
Created by His own hand, the moment it is required
An envelope of moisture, to be opened
To fill them, to bubble over their delicate fringes

Intensely gratified, they sup
Pulling the drink into their being
Gratified in the supply and the knowing that
He knows….every need, want and desire

The Christmas Gift

This Christmas season was different...very different. I haven't posted in a very long time, I can make excuses and tell stories about my absence, but the story I want to tell today, is the story of the most incredible gift Ive ever received. It didn't come in a box, nor was it wrapped in pretty paper and it didn't have any outward appearance of a gift at all...because...my gift was unseen by the human eye. I received the gift of the Holy Spirit working through me to be with my friend, Danna, during the final days of her life here on earth. To some people this may not sound like a gift, but a terribly sad way to spend the "holidays". Believe me when I say that while I was not happy to see my friend in pain, physically and spiritually, I would not have wanted to be anywhere else on earth. It was an honor and a privilege to be with her. To not watch her struggle, but to struggle with her about really tough, end of life questions. To help make real to her the fact that Jesus loves her more than anyone here on earth and that it was ok to stop fighting. It was ok to fully surrender, body, mind and soul to Jesus. To walk along side her during this final journey. I was taught so much during this period of time. I understand now, this journey that God has had me on for the last several years. My last post talked of darkness, Ive come to understand that darkness is a part of my process of growth. I don't think I will ever look forward to it, but I can rest in the knowledge that Jesus will bring me to the light, in his time, but I need to do some work while waiting for His timing. Some of the work I entered into recently was of Silence and Solitude, it was so very worth it. Thank you, those of you who inspired and helped me and continue to do so. (Deb, deAnn, Joanne) I would never have guessed that anyone would have wanted me for such a time as this...I am awe struck and Gods power!

Danna had been a Christ follower for several years, but she struggled with having a "head full" of Jesus and moving that knowledge into her heart. It is more of a "process" for some of us, me included! I am happy to say, that on a morning that I wasn't with her, she completely surrendered to Jesus. She didn't have to tell me, I could actually see it in her. She was still very, very sick, but she had a radiance about her. Approximately 10 days later,on January 4 she left this earthly home for heaven. Even though that was a day of celebration, and I fully know and understand that it was, I felt a little lost. The preceding days were filled with lots of phone calls and conversations, so I kept myself busy....really busy! Her celebration of life service was on January 8, 2008 and her husband and daughter asked if I would speak. I was honored again, to do that. Today, for some reason, I heard the song by Casting Crowns, Praise you in the storm....and I fell to pieces. I wept like I haven't wept for years....because...I am still on this side of heaven...and I will miss my friend..."Danna Banana".