Be Still and Know

I can only imagine

2010-05-05T07:25:00.001-04:00

I can only imagine…
what life is like
to fully know the love of Jesus
to fully know the love
of anyone…for that matter
I don’t….dwell on the past
I’ve taken issue with my stuff
at least as much as I could…at the time
some of it resurfaces
like an onion…I have to peel back layers
I don’t worry about tomorrow
At least….Im not consumed by it…but
my days…drag on endlessly..
one into the other…
nothing special…nothing grand…
just another day
I want to “seize the day” carpe dium
I want to recognize all the good in the day
I want to be thankful for everything..
Especially that I am Gods chosen daughter
But….I don’t
My walking around on earth life….
Is hard
Not as hard as some..but hard…none the less
I….am a failure at this thing called love
but I want it so badly…I can only imagine

2010-04-09T11:39:00.003-04:00

Glory

2010-04-09T11:28:00.002-04:00

"And the word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we beheld his glory...full of grace and truth" John 1:14 NKJV

It's spring again and wow, what a lovely aray of colors, sights, sounds and smells. God is so good and his message is over and over - how we are reborn...I have a heart for those who can touch him at last. I was one of the lost and now am found. I am a sinner and yet Jesus still loves me.

To say that we were once blind and now can see, is just a way of trying to express the wonderful life Jesus has given us. We do not need chemicals to party, we fellowship honestly. We do not need to compete, we are forever complete in our Father.

And most importantly - we belong - We finally belong. Thank God that my eyes were opened - thank God for REBIRTH

Happy
Spring

Bermuda Triangle

2010-03-17T10:52:00.000-04:00

March 17, 2010
I want to live…happy, joyous and free
But I don’t
I want it more than I can articulate
But there’s a block…a disconnect
My family seems to do it
They seem relatively content…at least
Waking to beautiful sun….warm temps…flowers beginning to bloom
These things are not lost on me
I see them…with my eyes
I don’t feel them with my heart
I’m missing something beautiful
Something that God intended for me
I am caught up in gracelessness
Everyday a struggle
Everyday a battle between good and evil
It binds me…not just my hands…my entire being
And I…as a result…am not the beauty that God intended
It saddens me…there is no relief
I am caught in a triangle…..the Bermuda triangle
Of love gone wrong…or maybe just lost relationship
Not of my doing….but someone else’s
I had a choice once…I chose what I thought God wanted
In reflection, I still believe it is God ordered
Wilderness is dark…and cold and uncomfortable
Yet, here I stay….lessons to be learned and relearned
Until I get it….into my heart…the lessons of God for me
“The brokenness of the fall, lived out in Technicolor” –deb turnow!
Not just my brokenness…but the triangle participants as well
I “hurt…over the things that break Gods heart”-deb again!
The grasp that the evil one has on our lives
Some greater than others…and I, can do nothing
Do I forget that God can do all things……no
Or maybe I do…for a moment
That’s all it takes…just one moment…to live as if there is no God
And that’s what Im doing….right?
“God…I believe….please help my unbelief”

Do They Know

2009-04-16T10:27:00.002-04:00

Do they know
The ones that cry out in the night
In the darkness
In the torment of their soul
Do they know
That they are loved
That they are cared for
Can’t see a way out of their anguish
And then, it comes
a decision
not based in logic
but in relief
a deadly decision
and then
those who are left
write words
of caring, of love, of admiration
its too late
they can’t hear it anymore
broken pieces, at a souls expense
left behind for Him to use
to create a masterpiece
is it necessary…any of it
would it have made a difference
if they knew
would He have changed the mosaic

Winter

2009-02-04T08:55:00.005-05:00

She is in a season of winter..not just because the season on the calendar is winter, but because SHE IS...all of her, shrouded in ice where the warmth of the sun does not reach her...her soul...she is far away from the giver of life..light...warmth. Jesus is missing from her conscience, or so it seems. While she knows that He is embedded in her..in her very soul...she has pushed Him into a box..one of the boxes that she stores there, in her somewhat, sometimes twisted soul. He can reach her, if she allows it...why is she not allowing it? She feels lost...smothered, encased in ice. One night there was freezing rain on earth. When she awoke in the morning she looked outside at the trees...each and every branch and twig was covered with ice...she thought.."thats me...I am the branch" While the tree and branches are still alive, they look dead...dead and freezing cold..no warmth..there is pain there. Only dim light, all around. She is not numb...she feels the frosty bite of winter...she feels it not only physically, but in her soul. What happens to trees when they are encased in ice...she wonders. Does the life giving sap that courses throught the branches...get hard?...almost like her life blood?

"Surely the Lord is in this place, and I was not aware of it" Genesis 28:16

Surely He is...and she is not aware. She has read and believes that He is in the midst of EVERYTHING...not just this thing or that thing...or maybe just a little...NO...HE IS...fully in everything. Why can't she feel it? Perhaps she is not looking. Why does she take her eyes off of Him?...especially when she knos He is the giver of light and life and love. She needs Him to carry her...Now..she needs to feel His loving arms wrapped tightly around her. She needs to feel His warmth and love. She tries to get this from the humans He has put in her life..and they can't do the job. Some of them are very close...they are the ones that He has equipped for this. Others have no idea how to give her what she so desparately needs..and how could they? He is the one and only who can give her everything that she needs... He does...she just doesn't know how to tap into it. Please Lord...help her to look only to you for these things that she desparately needs.

Blind Faith

2009-01-17T09:46:00.004-05:00

"MY LORD GOD, I have no idea where I am going.
I do not see the road ahead of me.
I cannot know for certain where it will end.
Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so.
But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you.
And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing.
I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.
And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it.
Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death.
I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone."
Thomas Merton

The "right road" and "though I may know nothing about it". WOW, does this speak to me. It has come to my attention recently how ignorant I can be of Gods plans. How I have come to understand that His timing in not my timing. I started on a journey 16 yrs ago. Although I didn't know Jesus as my Savior, I did not have an understanding of a loving God, I basically had no thought of anything or anyone who could be higher than myself...I felt a prompting to change my life forever. This "prompting" started as a direct threat, from a person, to life as I knew it....that moved into, in hind site, a very real direction from God. What started as obedience to a person, transformed into obedience to God. I have found out recently that had I chosen to continue along my own path, I would have ceased to exist. To write the "real words" I would have died. I have often wondered why I chose the "right road". It was not an easy road, truth be told it was at times an almost unbearable road. Should further truth be told, at times....like this particular season in my life...it still is. Today, there is a difference. Today I do know Jesus as my Savior and I do have an understanding of a loving God. It makes all the difference. I know that I have been saved by grace...I know that if I continue on the "right road" by my blind faith, my reward will come.
Heavenly Father, help me to continue on the road that you have carved out for me. Help me to be grateful for salvation. Help me to remember that your plan is not my plan and that your timing is perfect. Amen

Journal entry 12/2/08

2008-12-02T08:43:00.003-05:00

This morning I am filled with anxiety. This is a foreign feeling for me...to feel anxiety, instead of how feelings usually manifest themselves...ANGER...not that I didn't go through the angry stage, but I have grown to a point of recognizing that anger is my "fall back position". Now I have to see the "real" feeling, and to be honest, anxiety is just a manifestation too of the "real" issue..which I'll call FEAR. 9 times out of 10 this is my core issue. Last tuesday 11/25 I had a bone marrow biopsy. Well, let me state that correctly..I had the procedure, but they couldn't get any marrow, not that they didn't try 2 times! It was possibly the most painful thing I have ever had to endure in my whole life...physically anyway. The object is to drill a "tiny" hole in the hip bone, from the back, and extract the marrow....2 holes...NO MARROW. My doctor was called in, they wanted to give me morphine for the pain and continue..,"No Way" says the good doc...stop. She told me that they would reschedule in 3 weeks and they would do the procedure again under "conscience sedation"...meaning I would pretty much be out of it. I received the call yesterday that it is rescheduled for 12/8 and I was told that conscience sedation is not possible. They will give me percocet and adivan to take prior to the procedure. OK...2 things I was told are not happening...the sedation thing and 3 weeks. I am still having pain that shoots down my leg from the lst time and I functioned quite well as an addict to pain killers in my past....thank you very much. WHATS THE DEAL? I was assured that this time with the sedation prescribed, I won't be in any discomfort..." YEAH SURE..that's what they said the first time". Yesterday I was tempted to tell them to forget it..How important is this test? Ruling out Leukemia? I'm almost sure that if I had that...I'd be presenting with more than "big red blood cells"....but then again...Am I a doctor? Answer: NO and the big L is not the only thing they are looking for. There needs to be a reason for my cells to look that way...AAAAGGGGGHHHHH. I have to trust that there is a reason for all things...my trust needs to be with God...in this and all things. I know without question that thru adversity...I Grow. It seems that this is the way God gets my attention...and the lesson once learned is ingrained in me...not that I never have to relearn the lesson, but it's not as painful the next time because of the experience of trust. I need to remember that through this experience some change/transformation will happen with me or with someone else because of me. I need to trust the process. The "because of me" piece is extremely important for me to recognize, It could be that God is working out his will with someone totally not known to me...a doctor...a nurse...a tech...someone in the future who will benefit from this ordeal of mine. Could be something tiny...or it could be huge...some medical breakthrough of this procedure or the marrow itself that can help a dying child...who in this world knows..I will trust God and His process.

YOU RUINED MY LIFE

2008-08-06T18:13:00.000-04:00

There I was, happy, content, carefree

I learned how to cope with things that bothered me

I found people, places and things that I truly liked

I had a good job, that paid the bills

I had fun, every night…and weekend

I danced and danced, until I could dance no more

I went to parties every weekend

I was out til all hours of the night (and morning)

I took care of me and my child

I had the best of both worlds

I had any boyfriend I wanted

Life was good

Then, You ruined it

Thank you Jesus!

“Turning Point”

2008-07-13T12:22:00.004-04:00

Below is a writing that was inspired by the above titled photo taken by Keith Trepanier that hangs in our coffee bar at church, and also in my livingroom.

he comes
Maybe to confess, maybe to grieve, maybe because he is so broken and hurt....in the middle of shopping, to provide for his family
he comes
To the place that he's only heard about through what seemed, far fetched tales...of a Man...who can heal him, a Man he can trust, a Man that loves him...if he would only
come.
He lives here, it is said...inside..."open the door....I love you...I promise" says the still small voice from nowhere it seems. "Just try...you are welcome here"
he tries the door...it is locked, he cannot pass through. "Just as I thought" he says "this Jesus can't be all they say he is...if so..why would they keep him hidden away behind massive wooden doors...which are locked" A sign of the times perhaps. "Is everyone broken like me"? he asks. the man speaks as if noone can hear him...as he falls to his knees before the doors "Jesus, if you are in there..please let me in" The still small voice says "I am in your heart..you don't have to come into this place to feel me with you...I Love you...Always have...No doors can ever block me from you"

Enter Willah Grace Kosmicki!!

2008-07-09T10:41:00.002-04:00

My new granddaughter was born yesterday 7/8/08 at 7:03 PM. Mom and Baby doing wonderfully! God is so Good!

Mercy

2008-07-03T15:43:00.004-04:00

I need Mercy
when I'm annoyed at some small thing

I need Mercy
when I am impatient

I need Mercy
because I live...in the world

We need to show Mercy
to those who are suffering

We may not know that they are suffering
because they have become masters of disguise

They disguise themselves
and they may not know why

We don't understand, underneath it all is suffering
a jagged and broken soul, so sad

Jesus shows us mercy, everyday
every minute, every second because he sees

He sees our broken places
where maybe there is just a crack

Or maybe we are broken in two
Jesus is the glue of mercy

What if............we showed everyone
mercy...the kind we receive, without hesitation

What if.........

Here Am I !

2008-06-26T21:07:00.003-04:00

I thought by changing the style of my blogsite, I would start writing and sharing here again....I've been in process of change and have been taking some time off of many things....now...its time to be back, back to the land of the written word!

Fill me

2008-03-15T10:55:00.003-04:00

Their cups, turned upwards, towards heaven
As if to say “fill me”
Waving gently in the breeze and cloudless sky
They wait while they dance

He will see their need, to be satisfied
But for now, they linger
In perpetual motion, wooing him
Closer to show their desire

Variety of color, shape and size
Are the subjects of His passion
For the exact thing they want from Him
He gives with intense pleasure

He sends to them a visitor
Created by His own hand, the moment it is required
An envelope of moisture, to be opened
To fill them, to bubble over their delicate fringes

Intensely gratified, they sup
Pulling the drink into their being
Gratified in the supply and the knowing that
He knows….every need, want and desire

The Christmas Gift

2008-01-20T18:59:00.000-05:00

This Christmas season was different...very different. I haven't posted in a very long time, I can make excuses and tell stories about my absence, but the story I want to tell today, is the story of the most incredible gift Ive ever received. It didn't come in a box, nor was it wrapped in pretty paper and it didn't have any outward appearance of a gift at all...because...my gift was unseen by the human eye. I received the gift of the Holy Spirit working through me to be with my friend, Danna, during the final days of her life here on earth. To some people this may not sound like a gift, but a terribly sad way to spend the "holidays". Believe me when I say that while I was not happy to see my friend in pain, physically and spiritually, I would not have wanted to be anywhere else on earth. It was an honor and a privilege to be with her. To not watch her struggle, but to struggle with her about really tough, end of life questions. To help make real to her the fact that Jesus loves her more than anyone here on earth and that it was ok to stop fighting. It was ok to fully surrender, body, mind and soul to Jesus. To walk along side her during this final journey. I was taught so much during this period of time. I understand now, this journey that God has had me on for the last several years. My last post talked of darkness, Ive come to understand that darkness is a part of my process of growth. I don't think I will ever look forward to it, but I can rest in the knowledge that Jesus will bring me to the light, in his time, but I need to do some work while waiting for His timing. Some of the work I entered into recently was of Silence and Solitude, it was so very worth it. Thank you, those of you who inspired and helped me and continue to do so. (Deb, deAnn, Joanne) I would never have guessed that anyone would have wanted me for such a time as this...I am awe struck and Gods power!

Danna had been a Christ follower for several years, but she struggled with having a "head full" of Jesus and moving that knowledge into her heart. It is more of a "process" for some of us, me included! I am happy to say, that on a morning that I wasn't with her, she completely surrendered to Jesus. She didn't have to tell me, I could actually see it in her. She was still very, very sick, but she had a radiance about her. Approximately 10 days later,on January 4 she left this earthly home for heaven. Even though that was a day of celebration, and I fully know and understand that it was, I felt a little lost. The preceding days were filled with lots of phone calls and conversations, so I kept myself busy....really busy! Her celebration of life service was on January 8, 2008 and her husband and daughter asked if I would speak. I was honored again, to do that. Today, for some reason, I heard the song by Casting Crowns, Praise you in the storm....and I fell to pieces. I wept like I haven't wept for years....because...I am still on this side of heaven...and I will miss my friend..."Danna Banana".

Darkness

2007-11-12T08:40:00.000-05:00

I have a problem with darkness. It scares me because I cant see, with my eyes, what is within it. It is the unknown that I fear. I encounter this physically and spiritually. Physically I experience it in the usual places, no lights on in a room or empty house, walking to and getting into my car after the sun goes down. This last one, getting into my car, is the worst. After opening my car door, I have to make sure the light inside is on, I check the back seat (every time) and when I am sure there is no one there, I get in. I have come to the understanding that it depends on whatever is going on in my life, that determines how fearful I am. Spiritually I experience this whenever I hear God speaking to me about something that I need to reconcile or dig deeper into. I am not sure, sometimes, what exactly it is that I'm getting into so I need to have complete dependence on Jesus to be with me while I am in process....to shine His light and enable me to see.
Below is a writing that "speaks to" darkness.

Darkness, why do you scare me so?
Everything I fear is in you
Albeit, I need you

I cannot see into you
When I arrive
My heart quickens its pace

Is there someone or something there?
My rationality tells me
Beware of the unseen, evil lurks within

Be a big girl, approach
There is nothing within
Nothing there to impair

Where is this voice coming from?
In a millisecond
All this conflict, I am afraid

I find a weapon to encounter you
When I push on
A light to improve you

Darkness be gone
You have no power within me
I have won this scrimmage

Thanks for your prayers

2007-10-24T16:49:00.000-04:00

Michael's blood test came back inconclusive for kidney problems. He still has to get more tests, and hopefully, he will! Im still pestering him about getting the cat scan done, but hey...Im just the Mom...Again, Thanks for your prayers...I definately felt them and Im sure he did too!

Prayer Needed

2007-10-18T18:54:00.000-04:00

May Son Michael is sick....and Im afraid. He has a condition called Myasthenia Gravis. It is an autoimmune condition that is a neuromuscular problem. He was first diagnosed with this about a year ago. At that time he had no insurance. He has been medicated and doing very well, until recently (of course I am the mom and I get to find out last!) Anyway, the fix for this problem is surgery similar to that of open heart surgery because where they have to operate is on the thymus gland that is located behind the breast bone (no way in but through) So, to make a really long story short. He has been having some problems and the dr thinks it may be his kidneys, he also believes it may be a result of the meds. Michael has waited too long for the cat scan and ultimate surgery, maybe to the point of causing more problems...this worries me...and Im not a worrier. He does have very good insurance now, so Im asking for prayer..specifically for myself that I can know that God is in control and that I can have some peace from that knowledge and also for Michael that he does the right thing and listens to his doctor and that he also knows peace....because I know hes scared too...Thanks...feel free to send this to anyone,,,,anywhere.

The egg of joy!

2007-10-11T08:34:00.001-04:00

Sometimes, I need to pick out the good feeling stuff and pitch out the yucky stuff, even though all of it is there, right at the surface, joy is what I need. For some reason my minds eye just pictured separating an egg. The parts that can be eaten are inside of the eggshell, all together. When it is poured into the egg separater, the part that has no color falls away, leaving you a golden yellow "nugget"...this may be joy!

I remember...

2007-09-24T20:09:00.000-04:00

"Especially rich are incidents and images stored away that you aren't sure ever actually occurred; dreams or stories someone has spoken of so many times that they're engraved as past realities"
The above is a quote taken from deAnn's post about this writing exercise. I copied it here because it speaks to what I want to write about. So...here goes...I remember being a child, probably about 5 or 6 yrs old. My father sang in a Barber Shop ensemble. He had the most amazing tenor voice. I used to think he was the best singer in the whole world. I remember, and still picture it in my mind, when he used to sing me to sleep every night. I do not recall what the songs were then, but I do remember a song that he used to sing to me when I was older. It went something like this "little eyes I love you, little eyes I love you, love you in the spring and in the fall, little eyes I love you, little eyes I love you, love you best of all" I can still see his face when he would sing in a whisper type voice. This would be a really sweet story...if in fact...it were true. Unfortunately, its not. After years of telling this story, over and over again, I was confronted by my sister and brother and told to stop telling lies, "our father never sang you to sleep, he was never home". I was fortunate enough though, when I was an adult, to be able to confront my father with this "vision" and he confirmed my fear, that it was all made up...by me. Although this was tuff to hear, at least he told me the truth and took some responsibility. He had no way to explain to me though...how I could..and still can by the way, see this vision so clearly and also to hear his voice. I have determined that since this was a great comfort to me, it must have been God himself, there is just no other explaination. I have other memories from my childhood that I wonder from time to time...was that real? What I have determined is...it doesnt really matter. The memories that I have from alot of my adult life are a bit blurry sometimes, but what came from living a childhood of made up stories, it taught me as an adult to really pay attention to everything, so that my reality isnt in question. I do still, struggle from time to time with other people who want to question my reality, it has caused me to be more aware and more contemplative.

The One Thing I Know

2007-08-29T12:27:00.000-04:00

"And the veil just lifted
I can finally understand
The way you work in me
But even if I didn't
You are still a sovereign God
Who has a plan for me"

The above is a verse from a song by Sara Groves. It speaks volumes to me, so....instead of trying to put this into my own words at this moment, I thought I'd just quote it for now.

????

2007-08-09T18:42:00.000-04:00

I find it hard
Very hard
To hear you today

I see it blurry
Very blurry
Your kind face

I feel it quickly
Very quickly
My anger and temper

Where are you?
Very hidden
I cant find you today

You are there
Very there
But where?

In the shadow of my brokenness
Perhaps?
I cant see past this veil now
Plunging into gracelessness
Its dark here
I see red and black

Jesus?

Gettysburg Bike Week 2007

2007-07-15T10:16:00.000-04:00

Rumbling, sometimes loud, sometimes softly
First one…then another…then many
Making the individual sounds combine to a loud buzzing of sorts

Like a Barbershop ensemble
Or maybe more like a choir
Each having its own part to make up the harmony

A sea of chrome and bodies
brightly colored paintings
On various canvases to show individuality, but also harmony

The predominate covering color is black
Adorned with patches and pins
Still creating a painting to show allegiance to a brotherhood

Lost and searching souls
Some are dark, despite the bright colors
Others have a glimmer of light in their eyes, searching to belong amongst the paintings

All are children of God
Brightly colored in character as well as body
They try to shield their brightness, cloaked in black…but we the faithful can see their beauty….beneath the cloak of darkness

Regrets/Splinters

2007-07-09T10:13:00.001-04:00

The following is a comment to a post by Deb on the Sacred Encounters blogsite. I wanted to post it here on my site, as a reminder to me. Check out the writing for today on her site...it is fabulous...thanks Deb!

Regret/splinters....what a wonderful analagy. It amazes me still how God teaches me. Maybe not so much the lesson, but how. For the last several years, God has been showing me my "splinters" (I used to call them defects of character, I like splinters better, its softer!) Its not that I didnt know they were there, I felt them when the affected area was pushed on, but often let them be, until they became infected, swollen and really really sore. Then, would get out the needle and start digging. After a great amount of pain, the splinter would be removed and anticeptic would be placed on the wound. Its like that, with my deep life issues...Gods healing anticeptic is the cure. There are other times, when I see the splinter, run quickly to get the tweesers, get to work at pulling on the part that is exposed, and in my haste, break off the peice that I can see, leaving the balk of the problem, still imbedded. Im starting to understand, that God is showing me this peice, so I can carefully, but with diligence and time, pull out the splinter. He doesnt show these to me so I can quickly get to work to get rid of the problem, He wants me to learn a lesson in the process, so that hopefully, the next time I get a splinter, I can handle it...the way He wants me to. My friend and previous growth group member, Gloria, passed away last week. I am dealing with the splinter of regret as it relates to what kind of friend I was to her. Forgiveness will be my anticeptic.

Long ago Song

2007-07-03T09:45:00.000-04:00

As I sit here in my room
My thoughts are all of you
My world is so much better
Now that Im with you

I think you know how I feel
I think its very clear
You're on my mind, all the time
It's losing you I fear

How can I tell you
The things Id like to say
How can I explain to you
My feelings everyday
by Jane Coffman

I wrote this little song in 1975. Im quite sure it was for a boyfriend then, but it speaks to me today about the relationship I have with my Savior, not so much "how can I tell you, but "my world is such much better, now that Im with you" and "its losing you I fear"

Rebel

2007-06-25T09:43:00.000-04:00

I am a rebel....it is not who I am....but what I am...or what I sometimes am! I went to church yesterday, against doctors orders (shhh dont tell!)...woo hoo....I never, ever, thought it would be so exciting to go to church, but then I remembered how I felt when I first became a christian and how excited I would be that it was sunday! Anyway, On the way to church yesterday, I noticed or experienced the colors of my world. The sky was so blue, maybe a different color blue than I have ever seen before, do you know the color of the syrup that makes the snowball/snowcone named "sky blue"? This is what I saw yesterday. The grass was the color green that the crayon says is green. There were flowers of every color that I noticed, they seem to be bigger and brighter on this particular morning. It was a nice cool morning, I don't know if that had anything to do with color. It seems as though when it is hot outside, everything looks kinda hazy, like looking through dirty eyeglasses and when it is cool the lenses on the eyeglasses are perfectly clean. Hmmmmm, gives me some food for thought about my relationship with Christ, when Im a "hot head" I see my relationship with Christ as a bit hazy, because of my attitude at the moment, I cant see clearly. When I am able to "cool down" and be reasonable, I can more clearly see my Savior! My experience inside the church was awesome as well. Not only was the message wonderful, but I was able to talk to several people and have real conversation. So many times at church I am rushing from here to there, trying to find so and so to tell something or the other to, or Im trying to hide from so and so! (dont let that get out! tryin to be honest here!!) I miss so much in my busyness of life. I believe that God has orchestrated this "forced sabbath" so that I can learn to be more grateful for what he has given me....the world...and so that I can better hear him and respond. "My Savior loves, My Savior Lives My Saviors always there for me, My Savior Was, My Savior Is, My Saviors always gonna be!"
This quote is from a song that I hear in my head quite often, it is lyrics from a song that I heard on WJTL once, and it stuck...anyone know who the artist is?
Oh, buy the way, There were yellow flags along side the road, at an apartment complex,that I noticed on our way home, that were blowing ferousiously in the wind that had picked up in the time that we had spent in church. My husband tells me that those flags have been there for a really long time...hmmmm,,,,never noticed!

Tryin to BE STILL!

2007-06-20T20:15:00.000-04:00

It has been exactly one week ago that I had surgery on my neck. The surgery went really well, they replaced 3 disc's instead of 2 and then "plated" them all together. I wondered after the surgery why it took so long for me to have this procedure, but now, after 1 week of total and complete dependence on someone other than myself, its coming back to me!! My husband has been great, Im the problem (i know, youre shocked!!) It has been really difficult for me to be sedintery, and truth be told, I havent followed instruction completely. I am not supposed to lift anything more than a 1/2 gallon of milk, Im not to push or pull or pick up anything, turn my head in either direction or up or down, I am not even allowed in a vehicle, much less drive one...pretty much Im to be completely still. When I first started on this silence and solitude journey, Be Still..had a totally different meaning than it does now. What I have come to understand is that I was being SET UP!! Im trying not to have an attitude about that, because it comes from God....and I really should be a tad more gracious than that!! This week has been a process for me in alot of ways. The day after surgery my husband got a call from his stepmother telling him that his father was being rushed to York Hospital for open heart surgery. I couldnt go with him of course, he knew that and asked his sons if they would meet him there. They met him there and they proceeded to wait on his father. His dad came by way of ambulance from Gettysburg 3 hours later. They said he wouldnt even get seen by a doctor until the following Monday, which was 2 days ago. Anyway there is alot of family drama that I wont go into but Tom has brothers and and a sister from here to Florida, they are all here now, in town, waiting for this man to have surgery. It is supposed to be tomorrow morning now. Anyway, we had his brother and 2 nephews from Pittsburgh staying here with us. I was really anxious about this prospect initially because I usually feel that I have to entertain but it worked out great. They all were helping me to not do anything! It was actually fun and some things got worked out within the family that have been broken for a really long time...not that its perfect, or even good...but there were understandings reached that are agreeable to all....phew....and without my help!!! God is so good. I am able to watch him do stuff, right before my very eyes...its very, very cool!!! I'll write at a later time about "faces in the trees"

Talents

2007-06-10T19:25:00.000-04:00

"Don't make a cemetery of your life by burying your talents" This quote came from the Our Daily Bread daily devotional for June 9. When I read it my mind immediately pictured a cemetery with the following Here lies Janes talent to draw....1959-1979.......Here lies Janes talent to write songs ....1959-1980....Here lies Janes talent to do crafts 1959-1990....Here lies Janes talent to design flowers....1959-1978.....resurrected 1999 and now in a coma! Now I know that my talent didnt really die, my creative self got hidden under a bunch of stuff in one of my spiritual suitcases. But for all intents and purposes, they were dead...couldnt see them anywhere...to look at my home you would never think there is a creative bone in my body. Nothing hanging on the walls, nothing sitting around that says..."Jane made this". My creativity in flower designing came back to me in 1999. It was very much a "God Thing" because I really wasn't thinking about getting into the business of flowers. Pretty much what happened was, I was on unemployment...trying to figure out what I wanted to be when I grew up!!!!! I applied at a local flower shop for a cashier position and was hired within 3 days to be a designer...wasnt really looking for that, but hey....here it is. When I graduated high school, it was expected of me to go to college...particularly in the field of business as it relates to money. My mother and step father both worked at a credit union and I started working there when I was 15, anyway, I wanted to go to flower design school. Of course that was the silliest, stupidest thing anyone in my family ever heard, but I was 18, out of school, had a job and I felt that I owed it to myself to explore it. I went through all the classes. I was praised at school and pretty much ridiculed at home....things like "you'll never make any money doing that" "its nice, but does it pay very much?" Needless to say, I settled into a job at a bank. Not that I didnt do that well, I did and climbed the corporate ladder pretty quickly, but I always had this incredible aching inside, like I was missing something. When I landed the job at the flower shop, I was sent to school from there for 3 yrs. I loved working with the flowers, it gave me that something that I ached for, a feeling of Joy when I created arrangements. I decided to start out on my own and started my own business with my husband,out of our home, it was called Only By Grace Flowers and Things. In the beginning I loved it, but unfortunately, it didnt work, for many reasons.I had to close up shop and get a "real" job...I am again experiencing that ache...ok, all that to say this....I recognize that God has given me many talents, some of which have been buried for a long time, some are in an "on hold" state and some I work with daily. I am so thankful that I now, after all these years have the ability to see that these talents are part of who God designed me to be and that I have you, my reflective souls group to help inspire me. Thank you!

Quote from Larry Crabb

2007-05-31T14:28:00.000-04:00

"The biggest challenge I face in my longing to become who I am is to know and enjoy each member of the Trinity to such an extent that I can remain centered in them when I'm with others. When I'm centered in God, alive to the spirit's rhythm, aware of the Son's grace, and basking in the Father's love, I no longer fear anothers judgement. It can hurt, but it cannot destroy. It is then that I more fully discover my true self, and I'm empowered to enter relationships with true love"
This came from an article that I am reading titled "Misery loves company, What Im learning about my struggles" by Larry Crabb. This article talks about the struggles involved in finding our "true selves" It is a great article that I have in pdf form if anyone is interested. I may comment on it more, when I get a chance to really process it

Long Ago Silence and Solitude

2007-05-27T08:52:00.000-04:00

I am in Pittsburgh PA, visiting my husbands Brother and his family. They have an awesome home that is situated, pretty much, on the side of a mountain. They have a large yard, with among other things, a lovely pond, with great big fish that Toms daughter Jenny, can hand feed. They have a huge deck and below the deck, at the back part of the house is a place, that I noticed this morning. I am not sure if this place belongs to this property, but what I saw was this. Someones special place....it has a nice little area with flowers and a little fence and a statue. I can only assume that this statue is of Mary. I assume this because when I saw it, I was transported to another place in time, when I was a child. All of the families in my neighborhood, growing up, were Catholic, except my family. Each yard had a place where a statue of Mary sat. I never really investigated back then, why they had this statue or what its significance could be. I am still not entirely sure what that is about, but I intend to ask when everyone else in the house is awake. I know that when we were in Argentina last July, there were many "shrines" to Mary, again though, I didnt ask alot of questions, the only understanding I have of this "shrine" is that Mary is extremely important to the "statue bearers" faith. Anyway, all of that to say this. When I started my journey into Silence and Solitude I thought that this was some kind of new wave interest or experience. As I am becoming more aware of my surroundings, I am coming to believe that people have been practicing this discipline for a long time. I understand that this is an ancient discipline, but what I didnt understand is that people in and around my life have been practicing this for a long time, as evidenced by the sacred place where this statue sits. Just paying attention to my surroundings, every minute, shoots me off into another direction of learning. Today, I will try to learn about the Mary statue.
Also, the picture that I have posted labeled "The Cross" is very, very close to here. About 50 miles or so. "The Cross" has special significance to me. It was built a long time ago on the top of the highest mountain that overlooks my hometown of Uniontown PA, in a town called Jumonville. To the right side of my page, under the picture of The Cross is a link to the website...today, the area around the cross is a retreat center, How cool is that?! I remember fondly my parents taking us to this cross for sunrise service on Easter morning, it was such a beautiful place to be as the sun rose over the mountains on a cool spring morning. I remember what it smelled like there and how it felt to me. I have a sense again, of a sacred place, on top of that mountain, so long ago. Again, "sacred places" playing a part in my life, and I didnt even know it was happening, until now! How great God is, for allowing me to "see"

Intended To Be

2007-05-23T19:45:00.000-04:00

HE has something specific to say to me. I was thinking I was on the right track to know what that still, small whisper was...but now Im not sure. I do know that there was this incredible little bookstore near where I stayed in D.C. last weekend called the Potters House. It was affiliated with the seminar place called "Servant leadership school" so it was the "in between" place that we hung out. Every single thing I touched and read had something to do with stillness, quietness, centering and "becoming the free and creative people that somewhere deep within, we know we were intended to be" I am serious, every single thing!!! It was wild. The place where I stayed was a mission house that had a "resident manager" that wrote the quote I listed above about becoming...her name is Kayla McClurg and it was nice to be able to talk to her while I was there. Last weekend was an awesome time of learning for me, on a couple of levels, to be away from what I know and understand here in York PA was good for me, it seems that when I am away, it is easier to be quiet with Our Savior. I think I've determined that its because I dont have any of the distractions that everyday life has for me at home...make sense?

The seminar was about Addictions, Healthy Brains, the Twelve Steps and Community. I learned more about the brain and addictions than I ever knew before, therefore I learned more about myself...which is always a good thing, but more importantly I can use so much of what I heard to be of better service in the group that I co-lead at my church. My co leader and I got to spend some "off" time with the speaker, Ed Khouri and got to know him better. He has an incredible story about healing and what the Lord has done for him and he was a true inspiration to me. I talked to him about this wonderful group of women who are searching for the artist within and he was impressed that we are headed out on this journey! So kudos to us!! The first time we visited the Potters House bookstore, there was a table with a women sitting at it. There was a sign on the table that said "Discussion group, Art and how it relates to Faith, and vice versa" Several other people brought their lunch to this table and unfortunately, I didnt pick up on what was going on, until it was too late. When the women picked up the sign and put it in the back of the store...I caught on that this discussion group was going on right then, when we were eating lunch, and now it was over. I was so upset I missed it, but I got to talk with her, her name is Mary. We had a wonderful conversation about the "repressed artist" syndrome and she told me that she thinks God is doing amazing things with peoples awareness and that she was really excited to hear that we are having like conversations in York PA!!! So, all in all it was a really good weekend and I got to meet a couple of really neat women that are on our same journey. I want to leave this post with some of the things that were on the refrigerator at "Andrews House" (this was the place we stayed) On the side of the refrigerator were all kinds of magnet words and each guest was encouraged to put some words together...Here are some of them:

*****Deep like liquid breath in the belly of a blind breeze

*****Linger & listen speak from the heart poetry

*****No words could speak of the slow secret joy of wild poetry

*****Let life nakedness be healing

*****Your smile perfumes the morning

and mine were *****Linger over Peace *****Pick flowers when sad, learn their desire

Awesome words, from an awesome place where I was Intended to be!

Another Adventure

2007-05-21T18:41:00.000-04:00

This quote comes from the Our Daily Bread devotional..."Adventures can be fun...and scary. They usually involve a bit of the unknow. As we walk in fellowship with God, it's likely that our lives will have many unique adventures...opportunities to serve Him. If we're reluctant or scared and we turn down an opportunity, we miss out. Will God still get the job done? Of course. But someone else will receive the blessing". "Courage is fear that has said its prayers!". I shared this quote from you because at the time I saw it on Tuesday May 8, I ripped it out of the devotional book and decided I wanted to process it some more. On that day and several of the next days, I took from it to mean something about this new adventure of writing and finding my creative self....its kinda scarey...but I dont want someone else getting the blessing that is meant for me....make sence? Ok, well, in a matter of 1 week and 1 day, the meaning of this quote took on a whole new understanding for me....the understanding of being LOST on my adventure. All alone, in the scarey dark woods. Something still scares me about dark woods, physically and mentally. On Wednesday May 16 I had a "melt-down" at work. I was asked to hand in my resignation in writing and within 2 hours or so, I was rehired. This is a very hard story to tell without telling the details, but I am choosing to the leave those out, because, really in the scheme of things, they don't matter. What matters is what I was feeling and what I learned through it. I was feeling fear, but it came out as rage. This behavior is not new to me, but it is a behavior that I haven't allowed for a really, really long time. This fear I have determined was a combination of many things that were going on in my life, and worse than the understand of that, was the understanding that it was satan himself....working tirelessly at me. Not just in my work life, but in my personal life also. I called my husband in the midst of all of this mess and he was definately my grounding point. He asked me simple questions. What happened? Where was God in all of this? and finally, Have you prayed through this? These questions have a recurring theme for me and I needed to not only answer them, but listen to what the questions were saying to me. They were saying that I was lost. Here is the good news, I was lost, but now Im found! or it might be more acurate to say Im finding my way back from the darkened woods! I was able to go back to work, after I said several prayers, one about forgiveness (for losing site of HIM) one of gratitude for having the freedome to chose HIM, and one for the strength and humbleness to talk to my supervisor. I spoke with her at length and process through what had happened. I was able to do this calmly and without anger and she was able to hear me, calmly and without anger. These 2 things were a blessing. I was only able to do this because of Jesus, living in me, a reality that I dont think I really understood until that day. In the wake of this episode I have been drawing ever closer to Jesus....because I have learned yet another lesson that he never leaves me alone in the darkened woods, where the scarey things of my life hide...he is right there with me....only I am blind....and cannot see. I do not wish to go on anymore journeys without him, I dont want to be scared...to let fear rule me

In the morning

2007-05-11T07:07:00.000-04:00

In the morning, I need at least one full hour to clear the cobwebs. This is when I get my everyday silence and solitude. I want no other human around me. Selfish? Nah, I think more along the lines of another S word....Smart. I know me in the morning, Im a grump! I awaken at 5:30 so that I can be at work at 8:00. I guess I should be grateful that I dont start work at 6:00! I must say that it hasnt always been that way. In a former life, far...far away...I could sleep until noon. Today, Im trying desperately to wake up. There is activity all around me. As in the last post, all the little creatures of the woods are active and very vocal. My cat is laying between the keyboard and the monitor, the dog, at my feet, Jenny ( my stepdaughter) wanted me to get her up earlier than normal because she has a track meet at school today that she is very excited about, and wanted additional time to get ready. I am annoyed...because I didnt get what I wanted this morning....poor me!!! I have been trying to pay attention to how I am feeling and how I am reacting to everyday life issues. I have been a state of total grumpiness for the last 2 weeks or so. I think Ive reached my threshold of pain tolerance. I dont take pain killers, so Ive been relying on myself, pretty much, to try and deal. Joanne, my spiritual mentor asked the question....."so Jane, where is God in all of this"....dang, I knew she was going to ask me that!!! Heres the honest answer, I didnt invite Him....How disturbing....He is the One and only thing that can help me deal, my Maker, my Creator, my everything....how dare I, leave him out? Today, I will be intentional about letting God into my presence....because I am always in His presence, and he wants me to want him.

The beasts of the woods

2007-05-09T21:00:00.000-04:00

I was being intentional about thinking about being intentional! I know...that probably makes no sense to the sane...let me explain...I am still having quite a bit of pain from problems with my neck, therefore, Im not doing much of anything except thinking. Today I was on my back porch, sitting at the table listening to the sounds of the woods that are behind my house. There were a variety of birds chirping loudly at each other, an occasional bark from my dog Madison, of course there cant ever be just one dog barking...almost like the birds...when one starts...others follow. I noticed that squirrels in "my woods" always come in twos, I dont know if Ive ever seen just one scurrying around by itself. This started me thinking about why that might be. Is it because there is a red tailed hawk (probably not just one of those either) patroling the area all the time? Is it because they are youngsters and momma said to always take a buddy?! Or could it be that they know about this relationship with others idea? I watched a pair of them having the grandest time running around chasing each other, jumping from tree to tree almost as if they were flying. At times they would swing around, face each other and bark something only squirrels know, and off they would go again. It looked like so much fun for them. They absolutely were enjoying each others company....or so it seemed to this human! It made me think about my relationship with Jesus and with other people. It made me realize that life is so much more fun with other people and when I chose to allow Jesus to buddy up with me, how much better my life is. When I allow Jesus as my buddy, in every aspect of my life...I can "fly from tree to tree" because I trust Him to lead me in the right direction. When I allow others into my life, I begin to trust them also and together we can be on the lookout for the "red tailed hawk" of the human world....I'll call him satan. Question of the day: Will I let Jesus be my buddy?.....Im thinkin YEP!

Starting

2007-05-08T21:30:00.000-04:00

In the beginning....nah that won't work!
Ok...here I go!! I started this journey in an "around the corner" kind of approach. There were some character defects that I needed to work on. I was fortunate to have very loving people placed in my life that were able to tell me about one of them. This particular one was keeping me far, far away from the relationship that I could have been having with other people, but more importantly from my Creator. I had a very rough demeanor. Not that I saw myself as a mean person, but I was viewed that way by some people. There was alot of work that I needed to do if I wanted to change the way others saw me, or perceived me....hence the journey begun.
I was introduced to the idea of Silence and Solitude, hee hee, what a hoot! For those of you who know me, you know that this was going to be quite the task! Anyway, I ventured out...I bought the book Invitation to Solitude and Silence (experiencing God's Transforming Presence) by Ruth Haley Barton, an exceptional book. To make this a condensed version of this part of my life, I read the book, I took directions given in the book, I set up "my sacred place" in my home, I got a Spiritual Mentor...I took some other direction from those that love me, and found myself with a longing for something....I felt closer to God than ever, I absolutely felt a relationship with Him, but I longed for something else. I wasn't sure what "it" was. deAnn and I met for breakfast one morning and she asked the question "do you see yourself as an artist?" The answer was immediate and definate "Yes"! Ive not quite put my finger on which or what type of artist, but I had and immediate, emotional reaction to her question. So...I'm trying to connect with my repressed artist...maybe I'm trying too hard....I think I'll keep doing different things until I find my true creative self.
Til next time...I remain "Still"